Ebenezer: Are there no prisons?

At this festive time of year, it is more than usually desirable that we should make some slight provision for the poor and destitute.

That is why the Mayor, Vice Mayor, and two of the three remaining commissioners supported the sponsorship of the United Way holiday food drive. Donations of canned and non-perishables are being collected tomorrow evening before the light-up ceremony.

Oddly, Ebenezer Neville, the protagonist of yesterday’s “team building” money-pit, is odd-man-out; saying he won’t support United Way because, despite the thirty-some-odd charities and food banks they support, they are not inclusive of all charities. Wonder what odd charity doesn’t get funding support from United Way of St Johns County, rubbing a spandex-laden Ebenezer the wrong way? And, why refuse to indulge the charity collectors?

He asks, “Are there no prisons?” I will tell you there are plenty of prisons. And the union workhouses are still in operation, although I wish I could say they were not.

I don’t think Ebenezer quite understands. A few of us are endeavoring to buy the poor some meat and drink, and means of warmth; because it is at Christmastime that “want” is most keenly felt, and abundance rejoices. That said, what could you put him down for? “Nothing!” In disbelief I ask “You wish to be anonymous?”

“I wish to be left alone. Since you ask me what I wish for, that is my answer.” Ebenezer said. “I help to support the establishments I have named; those who are badly off must go there.”

The story goes that Ebenezer’s deceased business partner, Jacob Marley, now a chained and tormented ghost, damned to wander the earth forevermore as punishment for his avaricious and uncaring attitude towards mankind, roams the earth restlessly, witnessing the hardships others suffer, and lamenting that he has lost his chance to help them forever.

Our advice? Wise up before you’re dead, spandex boy.