Tanner issues “warrant” for TS Fay

John Tanner
State Attorney John Tanner had the 7th Circuit Court issue a warrant today for the arrest of Tropical Storm Fay alleging that “with willful intent and malice aforethought” Fay has destroyed literally hundreds of his political campaign signs — signs which Tanner warned were not to be tampered with or vandalized.

Tanner previously posted a bounty of $1000.00 USD for information leading to the arrest and conviction of anyone vandalizing his political signs — rewards for turning in vandals of other candidate’s signs were only worth half as much; $500.00 USD. It has not been confirmed, but it is believed from a reliable source, that because none of the local law enforcement community appears to support Tanner’s bid for re-election, Dog “The Bounty Hunter” Chapman has been flown in to locate the fugitive Fay.

When Commissioner Ben Rich learned of Tanner’s actions, Rich went to a local Army-Navy supply store, purchased a full set of tactical gear, a commissioner badge and neck chain, and several Henna temporary tattoos – vowing to shoot “Dog The Bounty Hunter” and anyone else who stood in his way. Rich said that he would move in on his own, if necessary, to apprehend who he believes are unregistered developer PAC members masquerading as “a tropical storm” in order to hide their true political agenda to discredit him and destroy his campaign signs.

Ken Bryan reportedly told a Jacksonville television reporter that he was aware of Rich’s intentions since they have been joined at the hip since birth. Bryan also stated that God is a Negro and would never visit a true natural disaster – such as Fay – upon any of his political campaign signs; therefore he was left with the only obvious explanation that the unregistered developer PAC members masquerading as “a tropical storm” in order to vandalize his campaign signs were also white, racist members of the Ku Klux Klan who hold clandestine meetings on the Internet and coffee shops at several locations around St. Augustine.

Albert J. “Big Al” Abbatiello was able to be reached by telephone but Abbatiello could not make any comment on the actions of State Attorney Tanner, Commissioner Rich, or Ken Bryan at this time since Abbatiello had not been in communication with Tom Manuel in order to determine how, exactly, Abbatiello was authorized to respond.

For any idiot who is not smart enough to understand or is shocked or offended by this humorous political satire, the story is a parody of recent events and actions of several political candidates. If you feel we should not write such editorial commentary, may I suggest you build a bridge and get over it.