How many city workers does it take to wrap a light pole?

Christmas (yes Christmas, not “the holidays”) is coming soon — I can tell because of all of the television ads that have broken into my home reminding me of that fact since shortly after Memorial Day. Another clue has been the reappearance of decorations about town that have been out of sight for the past 10 months or so.

As I was leaving coffee yesterday morning, I was walking back to my Buick (what a fine motor car) and came around the corner just outside the Trade Winds Tropical Lounge on Charlotte Street. The press releases are already heralding in the award-winning Nights of Lights and the return of, for a second year, judging of light displays by guests of the “Holly Jolly Trolley” sponsored by Old Town Trolleys and their parent company, Historic Tours of America.

Anyone ever hear of a licorice candy cane? I haven’t, but I’ve always wondered if one exists each time I see our black street light poles wrapped in bright red ribbon. Aren’t candy cane’s supposed to be peppermint? These are the kinds of things that disturb me. A little.

Soon, I can watch as city workers drape the ancient oak trees in the Plaza with thousands of twinkling lights that are almost indistinguishable from the snowflakes falling from the heavens. I’m pretty sure the ghost of Joe Pomar is watching, too; just in case anybody parks their truck on his grass.

And, speaking of city employees and their parking skills, aren’t all four tires supposed to be inside the lines of our abundant on-street parking spaces? The men wrapping the pole at the Trade Winds seem to be somewhat challenged in that regard. Could be worse, I guess. They could collapse into a sinkhole.

Oh, and how many workers does it take to wrap a ribbon around a light pole, anyway? No — this isn’t a Polack joke. Apparently, the answer is three. One to wrap the ribbon, one to hold the ladder, and one to … ummm ….. run drinks back and forth from the Trade Winds? No, that can’t be right. Not at 8:30 a.m.

On the horizon the city will endow Glenn and Vivian Lightsey for another year, no doubt buying the biggest and most expensive (therefore the best) Christmas tree on the farm. Now THAT’S when you really know it’s Christmas in downtown St Augustine. Of course the tree will have to be too big to place on the gazebo stage, so Santa and his helpers will have to find a suitable spot nearby. Don’t forget to save enough room for all the mayor’s patronage; wrapped and ready to give to all the insiders lucky enough to have made his personal naughty list.

The good news is I’ll have a birthday (again) in a few days, then there’ll be Thanksgiving before Christmas comes to town. Guess I can kiss goodbye that diet I was planning last New Year’s. I’m going to see just how much cornbread I can eat this year — I swear it tastes just like birthday cake.